Lan midnite show

Went to watch midnite show - Exodus... This was the first time that I wanted to fast forward the movie!!!! Fainted* Aileen even slept for the entire movie arr!!! Those audience sat at the back row left after an hour of the show!!! This was the preview summore!!! Not more than 30 people I guess... pathetic

Before the midnite show, kekekeke went to pool!!! yeaHHHH... Started to like pool. Must learn it before i leave to US....

Sakae Sushi

Today i planned to go kl sentral to help aunties to buy their purses... Who knows...
the bus broke down at the bustop in front of victoria station =.=!!! I was not sure whether I was lucky or bad luck that I met Shum Khe Kong (hahahah). He picked me up then he wanted to go to Alliance bank in bangsar so i teman him. Supposedly, there was a Alliance bank but we coulden find it. He and I were starving at that moment so we ended up eating sakae sushi in bangsar village which cost each of us 3o bucks. He claimed that it was my fault... then I blamed him that it was his mistake too. Ruined my plan. hahahaha

But sakae sushi is better than sushi king lorrr....

Was I making the right choice?

Leaving this blog outdated for more than 5 months. And today i decided to update it and what kind of title should i post? Finally decided to use the previous title, but in past tense - Was I making the right choice?

Hmm... Tooooooo many things happened in these 5 months. These expreinces, incidents, naïve decisions and thoughts have totally changed my perspective forever. Thanks to them. I would not be mature if these did not happen to me...

I did neither make the right nor wrong choice. It's just depending on how I perceive. Holding and letting go are just easy for me. But, letting go those sweet memories is tougher than I presume. Because of these sweet memories intrude in my mind suddenly, I can't simply let it go. However, I still have to face the truth. The truth that will assure the best for us in our future.

Maifen told me that friends are just passers-by in your life. It is true. Undeniably, our friendship has changed. I can't talk much about it. Just wanna wish you to be happy in your life. My lovely housemates as well. Love you girls!!! You girls are great!!! And my former roomates, stella, and former housemate, chinkiat... Both of you really influenced me a lot.

My clubs' stuff also affected me deeply. Xia Xiang Tuan, Good Shepherd Girls' Home, MAFE etc... Oh My Gush... Won't forget how great these are!!!

Am I making the right choice?

There are many choices in one's life. But, until certain extend, it is limited. I am unsure with my decision. I have no ideas. I guess because I have been alone for myself for few years and I get used to it. I really get used to it...

Chia Ying told me before that do not make decision that will trouble you and become your obstacles in accomplishing your dream. Sis adviced me that do not follow the feeling but pray for guidance from God. They are convincing me that I am wrong. But, they are right, I guess. And because of these words, I always have doubt on my decision. Sometimes, I wish that I can do things alone, enjoy my own life without considering any views of others. Just leave me alone....

Goshhh... I really have no ideas what I am typing...
No confidence at all...

bystander effect

Hey!!! You are a psyc student. You should know what is bystander effect, but why did you make it happen??? Why din you help her??? Where is your love??? Couldn't you just walk down from the bus and help her to cross the street??? You did realize roads in Malaysia are the most dangerous in the entire world. You should help her!!!! Couldn't you just spend another RM1.50 to get to your place after helping her??? DAMN!!! I felt sorry for her... I shouldn't be like that. I shoudn't be dubious. Arghhh... feel guilty now....

Sigh
=.=

=l

There are options for me to choose but the problem is I have choice phobia... Nan told me before, "Gal, you shouldn't have choice phobia. If not, you will miss the chance. Once you have missed it, it's gone..." Gosh!!! But the point is I really do have choice phobia. I know that some chances come to our life just for once. But, I am confused, I am doubting. I have done many ways to convince me myself. But, they seemed useless. The bad feelings just emerge without my permission. And of course, these feel uncomfortable and bad, very bad.

God, please guide me...

Met Rebin this morning. We went to mamak and chitchatting. We chatted on "MC family". We used to watch mid night show and we needed to take 3 taxis since our family was too big. We used to celebrate special occassion together, in a huge group. Unfortunately, I have to use past tense because it's over. No more "MC family". We are not as close as we used to be as well. Some of us have changed. Erm... I think is all of us have changed. It's memorable. Even though we are splitted, the moment we spent together is always in my heart.

DoubtS

As a Christian, mom used to insist that sis and I MUST find boyfriends who are Christians too. But now, I think she has totally changed her mind because her dearest daughter, my lovely sister, has been hurt savagely by a Christian ;-( As a mother, I can know that she wants us to meet the "best" men who are able to take care wholeheartedly for us. She doesn't care Christian or not Christian anymore but as long as not Muslim lar...

No doubts, my "principle" is shaky now. I witnessed how tough it was to overcome broken heart. I witnessed how this influenced my sis' life. I witnessed how love "alter" to hatred. I witnessed how a girl who is naive becomes a girl who is fulled of revenge in her life currently. I witnessed and heard all these horrible scenes... These give me a shiver cold in my heart.

Sometimes, I am afraid. Afraid of everything... Afraid of love but wish to seek it. Afraid of those who wear masks but yet they are my friends. Afraid of spliting but must face this. Afriad of change but it is good for everyone in certain circumstances. However, I know that if I afraid of everything I wont be able to experince value of life and I will be having dull life. God gives us lives.... I should appreciate my life.

I really don't know what should I do now. The only thing is to pray and leave to God. Hope these kind of feelings will totally disappeared within me and my sister.

May God bless my sis and her ex...
Forgiveness enable a person to lift down the heaviest burden in life and walk gracefully....

Tras, I love you...

finally back from Tras... after a week of undergraduate community service, i think those undergraduates learnt the most compare to those children in Tras. And my body is aching. Ahr~~~
Still remember that chee jien, me, n rebin "drive night car" and ordered McD in peggy's house without realizing that three of us were out of money the day before we depaturing from college hahahah but now we are back...
In Tras, villagers are so so so so so friendly. They invite you to have a meal in thier houses just after chitchatting with you for 3 mins. children in Tras are not afraid of strangers. they like us just like we really are their brothers or sisters.
Amazingly, undergraduates looked similar either with their adopted parents or adopted siblings. Yoon Wah really looked like her "mother", Finny's brother looked like her, Chiao Tong looked like her "grandmom", Denise's brother looked like her, my sister looked like me... hahaha... everyone had their similarities. Really miss them a lot.
Tras, we will be back soon. It takes us around 2 hours to go there onli mar... will go back often!!!

V I C T O R Y

Still have less than 4 hours to go for my computer battle... I don't know how i will become in the end of the battle, but I am sure that I will be "alive with injuries and bruises". Even though her power is so intense that able to kill us, I ain't afraid...

Good luck to all the warriors in Com war...

masuk campur

I don't want masuk campur...
Yea... I really mean it.

struggling for survival

Yesterday, went to watch sunshine with chee jien after finished biopsyc and stat tests. It was an touching movie but got a bit zadao when the monster who claimed that he was God emerged suddenly after three quarter of the movie.... =.=!!! It was about how astronauts struggling to survive when their spaceship encounter damaged and how they supported each other to complete the mission or attempting to minimize the death toll.

Now I am struggling to survive in my coming computer war by cracking my head and stuffing all the computer knowledge into my brain, but I am convinced that I will survive even though I lose in this battle. hahahaha... but "liu de qing san zai, bu pa mei cai shao" = the green mountain is left so do not afraid that there has no wood for burning...

C O M P A R E

"What is meaningful for you?" I asked Yan.

"For me, it is reaching my parents' expectation. That's all..." she answered.

Undeniably, there are lot of students whose goal is to reach their parents' expectation, want to prove themselves that they are "useful", better. Why? Because tradition parents like to compare their children with nephews or nieces or even within their own children.
"Look at your sister AND look at you. Why both of you have such a BIG difference?!"

My mother used to compare me with my cousin who is pretty and intelligent. Until one day, I gave my mom a piece of my mind - "Stop comparing, please... If you like her so much, then you take her as your daughter lar. I am willing to be exchanged. Or you can choose to abandon me, I don't mind..." OK. I know this is rude but I had stood it for almost 15 years. My mom didn't feel tired but my ears refused to suffer. I had to do it. If not, I think I would be the next Yan. After this, my mom, of course did not stop comparing. The only thing I fear of is I might follow my mom's step - comparing my children with others, just like a Chinese proverb - you qi mu bi you qi nu. I DUN WAN!!!!
I still remember that there was a soon-to-be graduator committed suicide before the day of his graduation. He wrote a will. The content was inviting his parents to attend the ceremony and received the cert. Because he studied law which his parents insisted. In contrast, he wanted to pursue a med degree. Maybe you think how stupid he was, "can continue study med after study law mar"... BUT, this is not the point. He just wanted to be respected, wanted to make a decision by himself for his own future.

For those who just want to prove him/herself to meet the expectations, I want to ask a question - when these expectations no longer exist, when your parents no longer beside you, when you are alone, what kind of person will you be? How are you going to live without expectation?

Yi ler and Di di

Finally, i saw Xiang Hui's baby...
OH MY GUSH... He is so cute!!!! The feeling was like hugging a koala bear. The eldest son is also very handsome even though he is 2 years old only.
Dont know when can I see them again? As my sis has moved back to KK, it is hard for me to see these two little cute brothers. The moment he rushed to the gate and shouted out, "Ah Yi, Bye!" It was so upset...

Yi Ler and Di Di,
Must listen to daddy and mommy... Must grow up healthily... (Love love)

5.04.07

1st
"I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY EXCEL OR POWER POINT WINDOWS! CLOSE IT AND YOU SHOULD START UPLOADING YOUR FILE NOW...." our computer lecturer demanded.
"WHAT THE @#^&$@#$!!!!!" These came out in my mind..
You think we are IT major students ar???? We, as ADP students, need to know information about computer more than basic but less than expert one lor.... Give us such expert questions and expect us to finish them in AN hour. Besides, don't offer us the face we are not supposed to face. YOU yourself make yourself in that tense situation, NOT US, ok? YOU make yourself panic, BUT, please don't influence us... We just want to finish our tasks, that's all. You as a lecturer should know that panic begets panic. When your students' attendance is decreasing, you should know that something is wrong with your teaching skills. But, you are blaming us!

After came out from the computer lab, i couldn't think much. What i can use to descirbe the feeling is riding roller coaster which was DAMN fast and standing on the edge the moment of bungee jumping...


2nd
You are totally stupid, EXTREMELY stupid... Please lar! You have lost your "real identity" lor if you continue to lead in your own drama. Everyone sees you as a clown. Because you keep acting and cheer them up... but the most important is they watch your drama free of charge one... The moment you dumped my sister, you think you can cover your sins by acting and accusing my sis ar??? Now, everyone is enjoying your shows... and of course they know the real reason of dumping my sis which you think that everyone doesn't know. You know is what reasons? Let me remind you because you are enthusiastic and drunk in your drama...

a. because you are materialistic and wanna become wealthy and you hunt an innocent and "thousand gold miss"... you "seduce"her... so she can help you to escalate your achievement.
BUT, i tell you lar since i am good enoguh to advice you - you have lost a bunch of genuine friends forever in your life... i ensure that the moment you grab all the things you want, you are just a shell... outside is crusted gold, but inside is nothing. You pushed my sis into the valley... and those freinds you have made the moment you dumped my sister are just onli artificial friends whom you cant share and reveal your true self.

b. you cannot do what you like. you have lost your freedom. what you do now is just wan to satisfy those expectation from others - become a christian that claimed yourself is SOOO spirituality but your aren't, if not you wont hurt my sis that badly. try to cheer up the girl you like but what you like is just the $$$. so i advice you to marry money so i no need give angpao on your wedding day since you are so generous that i know you aren't but you are just acting that you are generous. there is a chinese proverb which is "fang chang xian, diao da yu". YUP!!! Congratulations!!! you have gotten a big, fatty fish... HOWEVER, your rod is too weak and because your fish is too heavy, your rod is going to "patah". And you have no that strength to pull up the fish... SO, just let the rod and fish go lar...WON'T that be happier???

3rd
Sorry because I can't tell you the truth... Sorry, because of me, you are who you are today. Sorry because I know the truth and I choose not to tell you, I can anticipate your responses because I know you. Sorry because I don't want to hurt you but I am hurt when I can't do anything because of the situation. Sorry... the person is no longer the person you think of... the person has changed...

F U T U R E

Moi of the future

How will I become in the future? I am really curious about it.
I think there are three possibilities:

A) Become a tradition "huang nian po". Staying in the house and nurturing kids, waiting for lao-gong coming home from work, cooking for my family, then wait until kids and lao-gong sleep adi just go to bed (this is usually what "huang nian po" does, you can't deny it)

B) Become an OL. Working for 8 hours. Wasting for more than 2 hours by stucking in the traffic. When back home, "kakak" has cooked for the entire family. Then, spending less than 3 hours with kids and lao-gong. Then, go to bed after the whole working day. What a dull life! (But it will be different if I became a child psychologist.... ^^)

C) Become a full time volunteer in an impoverishment country. Spending my time with those kids who need love and cares. Helping those women from being abused or treated savagely...

A + B + C = my perfect life

I can't deny that I wish I won't neglect my husband after deliver and able to nurture my own kids without sending them to day care centre or "nai ma" and become a volunteer by contributing my knowledge into social work...

Maybe you are shocked and questinoning that - Are you going to far?
But, these are what I wish I can do in my future life (if i got married, hahahahaha)...

EMULATE

Hmm....
I am sure that some of us is emulating someone's accomplisment. But, why should we emulate??? To acheive a better self? Or to fulfill the desire of being outstanding? Why can't we just emulate "ourself" instead of others? Aren't you feeling tired? Do we feel happy when we comparing ourself with others? I believe everyone has its own uniqueness. HOWEVER, when we compare our ownself with others, our uniqueness is disappearing. When your uniqness is disappearing, our trueself is gone... totally gone...
When we think of others' acheivements, and we strive to go beyond them INSTEAD OF OURS.
~ PITY~~
Because we don't know who we are. What we know is just "COMPARE, COMPARE & COMPARE"!!!

Dear friends,
The most vital is the learning process NOT the outcome of the process. Don't live because of those expectations. Live happily because you are the one who you are...

=p

Yesterday went to watch movie whom Rebin claimed that he cried for the first time in the cinema...

BUT, I DIDN'T... maybe i have dried my tears after watching pan's labyrinth or maybe it's a movie about how MAN pursues his happyness instead of WOMAN.
But, there was a scene which made my heart broken - Chris hugging Christopher and slept in the toilet. Man, who supposedly to be the dominant of the family, ended up in sleeping in the toilet due to disability of paying the rent and was chased away by Raulph. How HURT it is....

SO
Guys,
Try your very very very very best to provide your loved one "the best life" and the devotion, of course, is come from your heart....
=)

PRETENSES

We seldom, seldom and seldom shade off our pretenses, aren't we? Everyone of us is wearing the mask and pretending that is the true self... What a pity world! When you know a person in-depth, undeniably, it will send ur heart a shiver...

A partner whom you have gotten involved for more than 5 years, suddenly did sth that you yourself wont believe, & humiliating you that you are not feminine enough & blamin your "immature" has caused this broke-up; you tellin me that you don't like it & yet you tell others you like it.

Why am I always "sandwiched"? Why choose me?
and please don't insult my belief...

PLEASE use your brain to reflect urself! Once you are on your stage, you will like the stage and you cant end ur show already... then the audience will enjoy your show so much because it's free of charge and you play both roles - the director and actor.

it's raining again...

juz back from a movie - pan's labyrinth. it has totally convinced me that i hate violence sooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhh..... it's obviously a violence movie but my tearS just fell on my cheeks. HEY MISS VIVIAN! WHY DID U CRY????

AARRGGHH!!! i hate rainin.... it's really make me feel bad, absolutely bad. Can you stop rainin huuh????

had a small talk with peggy - telling her that i felt like quiting my acedemic and fly, fly to the places where i wan, do wat i have wished for soooo loonggggg. but i cant...

goin to sleep now... wish i can dream what i have wanted for soooooo looonnnngggg....

nite nite

To be continued

This morning i saw Genting again. What a lovely view.... I went to do my stuff and prepare to go to college. When i came out from the kitchen, the view became vague as the cloud had covered it. I was wondering - If i were in Genting, will i consider it as cloud or just fog???? From my balcony, i could ensure that it was cloud but how bout if i were there???

To be continued......

CAN I???

Presentation from amelia's grp was good as the topic "death and loss" fit today's condition of mine and my friends. i really dont know what can i do to help them or decrease the clumsiness of the situation when we meet together. i realize that when you know something that others don't know, it doesn't benifit you. nonetheless, it makes you feel worse. i m doubting that can i be brainwashed??? i don't wan to be distracted by these... i wanna give up. give up everything except my goals...

i also dun want to think about you anymore... i am pissed off now, SO can you just disappear in front of me, Mr. S??? you have run in my mind for a long time and don't you feel tired, huuh???

can i just fly to bora-bora island or maldives, settle down and spend my entire life there? or can i just fly to sudan and become the full time volunteer and dealing with the little angels?? this is what i want!!! i really want to abandon my burdens and do what i want... but life is not that easy... can choose what kind of person you want to be... Y CANT LIFE BE EASY????

hope i will be fine soon
& get back to my normal life...

it's raining day

The moment I woke up, I guess it's solved adi. I was lying on my bed with Alicia by my side, contemplating whether displacement in Freud's defense mechanism did exist or not, and my answer was "YEA". I thought of the movie "crash" which suggested that one scene would cause the other scene even though they were unrelated.
Few days ago, I was frustrated and I threw my anger towards him... I know he is innocent. Obviously, I was experiencing displacement. BUT, like the movie crash, he has provoked something that he himself dosen even know how extreme the impact towards their lives and I coulden stay calm. I hope they will be alrite soon...
"my freinds, the most important thing when you end or start a relationship is - you should learn something which is able to make a growth in your life. If not, the relaionship is totally meaningless."

Hope all of us will discover our true love
And
I am sorry....